Last week, a girl friend visiting from out of town, posed this question “Jas when is it appropriate to say things as they are versus not saying anything for the sake of maintaining the relationship?” As you can imagine, this led to an engaging conversation on what the context of the question was including the nature of the issue, how long the issue had existed, what she was feeling and what she really needed from her partner.
My friend was obviously grappling with some relationship issues as we do from time to time. However, it got me reflecting on how similar dynamics show up in organisational life with our clients, colleagues, managers, leaders and or suppliers?
Let us take our colleagues and bosses. How free do we feel to openly communicate our thoughts and feelings with them? How often do we not share with a team member that their annoying and seemingly disrespectful behaviours perhaps borne of poor EQ (emotional intelligence) skills are getting in the way of a potentially good working relationship?
My experience is that we cannot avoid and gloss over issues and our rumbling feelings for too long. Sooner or later things do catch up and bubble over at inopportune moments and in inappropriate ways. When this happens, it is generally not a good look and typically does more harm than good.
The other down side of not being able to discuss and share our concerns is that it does not call for a good, healthy and robust team and or relationship where differences can be voiced, feelings can be heard and decisions still made for the greater good. In fact, what is “present” but not spoken becomes the “pink elephant” which is very much present but everyone ignores and carries on regardless.
3 comments
What a great post. In my experience it is not so much a case of not talking about the ‘pink elephant’ but doing so from the perspective of how we feel. How we feel is something that is personal and does not require the other person to be wrong, at fault etc. I had an occasion this week to have a ‘robust’ conversation with a person in which I stated in no uncertain terms what I was feeling – however rather than pointing the finger and ‘shoulding’ on them, I instead pointed out that I felt let down by them, that I was dissapointed and I had expected more of them. Whether they chose to accept what I was saying is, of course, entirely up to them, however when you come from the heart and talk about how you are feeling, it really leaves no room for anyone to come back at you – or to be aggressive.
Splendid syuff I agree, thankQ.
Thanks for your comments, Kenn and Graham. There is a great saying that ” we get what we tolerate” and that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of conversations we have. So why not do our bit in making these conversations rich, authentic and real.
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