Sometimes you have to give first

I met a woman once – in a BNI chapter it must be said – who would screw up her eyes and purse her mouth as she looked across the room to the mortgage broker. Then she would always say the same thing: “He never gives me referrals, you know”.

She was in a business that was certainly very much part of the mortgage broker’s hub, so the first time she complained I suggested she talk to him about how they might be able to work closer together.

“Why should I?” she asked. “He’s supposed to give me his referrals, isn’t he? It’s how the BNI system is supposed to work.”

The answer to that is both ‘yes’ and ‘no’. In fact her answer reminds me of a quote by author, editor and professor of theology, Tullian Tchividjian: “Legalism breeds a sense of entitlement that turns us into complainers”.

You see, nobody can legislate morality or order us to have warm and fuzzies towards others. Rules may help to regulate our actions, but the emotional stuff is beyond the black and white ink of rules and guidelines.

BNI creates a system that enables you to build close working relationships with people. BNI gives you an environment where you can get to know, like and help other people in business – where reciprocal business relationships can flourish.

But the right to a referral must still be earned.

Essentially this lady’s sense of entitlement, when frustrated, led to feelings of resentment. Feelings of resentment or dislike or antipathy are a barrier to all progress.

Fortunately, she was eventually able to overcome the roadblock by taking the mortgage broker to lunch, as well as steering a couple of referrals his way.

We could have asked why the mortgage broker didn’t attempt to approach her, but it seemed that he was completely oblivious to her simmering tension.

Once the ice was broken, once she started the process of giving herself, an amicable working relationship developed.