Making an effort is all up to you

When I first joined BNI I didn’t get one single referral for months – I won’t tell you how long because it’s embarrassing. If I hadn’t been employed at the time, with my boss paying all the fees, I’d have called it a day fairly early on – and that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

I am, like most people, not overly gregarious. I call it ‘not intruding’. I did all the right BNI things – my dances, my attendance, my ‘giving’ – but I didn’t seem able to break through. I even thought it was because I’m an immigrant and the ‘locals’ had closed shop on me.

It was a rather odd BNI ‘dance’ that turned it all around for me…

We had the dance in her office. She (who shall remain nameless) sat behind her desk – yes, behind her desk – with me on the other side. She looked at me like I would leap over and attack her at any moment. I felt like I was at sea with no hope of rescue in sight. Our progress through the G.A.I.N.S. worksheet was stiff, formal and uncomfortable.
I could have gotten angry and perceived her behaviour as ‘snobbery’. Instead I realised that she ‘really didn’t have a clue about how to connect with people’, and neither did I. When the dance was over, I left the meeting determined to break through her barriers and to be better at reaching out and connecting with people.

I didn’t go away and read hundreds of books about how to connect with people, I just thought about it. I thought about how I would like people to treat me in that scenario, and determined to treating others similarly.

At my very next meeting I stopped being cliquey (yes, I was cliquey without even realising it). For example, when I arrived at the meeting I didn’t gravitate to the familiar faces, or the people in my group who I usually spoke to. I went over, shook hands and made contact with people I rarely spoke to at the meetings – including my recent ‘dance’ partner.
Do you also gravitate to the familiar faces week in and week out? Change your behaviour. Talk to as many different people as possible at each meeting.

When you arrive at a meeting do you always sit in the same place? Change your seating every week. Sitting in the same place is being cliquey. It personifies being ‘stuck in a rut’, and when you’re in a rut you’re not going anywhere fast.
Finally, be more interested in other people than they are in you. Ask questions about them and avoid talking about yourself unless asked directly. You’ll find you enjoy other people’s company more, and what’s more, they’ll enjoy your company more too. They’ll start asking after you…

Today, ‘my dance’ partner and I are good friends. She wasn’t anything like the person on the other side of the desk. I also have my own business and a good 60% of my turnover is via BNI. Isn’t it funny, what happens when you reach out to people? They reach right back.