How do we get to being safe enough to answer questions truthfully? I believe that it is all in the listening. If we are listened to openly without judgment then we do feel safe and we are confident to answer truthfully. We usually can observe what kind of listening we have in front of us.
However, if that sort of listening is not present and it often is not, especially with those closest to us, then it takes great courage to speak truthfully into that type of conditional listening. The conditional listening I’m referring to, often still looks like loving and caring, but is still very conditional and is still not conducive to us answering questions truthfully. The listening of “I love you” can also be the listening of “and don’t hurt my feelings”. Our tendency is to speak into the listening of “don’t hurt my feelings” and it takes great courage to speak our truth into that listening.
Gossip is a real killer of intimacy and seems like an epidemic in our current world that is obsessed with other people’s dramas rather than authentically caring for the person’s issues. For me the same rules apply as with responding to requests, if a gossip asks me a question I do not want the whole world to know, then I use my ‘right of refusal’ and decline to answer the question. Not answering a question is easily done, few people even notice as they are out for drama but not really that present to want to know the information. Most of the time they do not even notice that they are not getting an answer or I just say I do not want to talk about it. I now use my discernment and when I feel slightly uncomfortable with the person I will not be intimate but observe their behavior for a while. For us to have freedom with questions, we must feel free to not answer questions as well.
Wilma Ham and Ann-Marie Fagan are both editors of Wilma’s Blog. The blog is part of WomenLikeMe, an online learning program. The blog and WomenLikeMe are encouraging women to embrace living life differently by questioning the status quo and becoming skilled to live into their greatness.
