Context is King

Article contributed by Wilma Ham.

I came to New Zealand to live differently but all I managed to do was live a similar life in another country. Big deal!

Nothing changed because the conversations I had with my ex-husband and with friends were the same as I had in Holland. 
The conversations focused on problems and never on possibility and solutions. 
Living was fearful and even with money in the bank scarcity conversations prevailed and change became impossible. 
The conversation was certainly not directed at trust, abundance and joy; it was on worry, what could go wrong and doing it all myself.

My big changes happened after I started living with John. I first noticed that the daily conversations he had were very different from the ones I was used to.

He consistently talked about abundance, freedom and possibilities, I consistently continued to talk about lack, duty and what was NOT possible.
I talked about the future I could NOT have and how I could never save enough money, while he talked about what he needed to buy today to make his life work now!
How’s THAT for a big difference in conversations. And John’s conversations make a huge difference in how he lives his life, what he creates from day to day!

He mentioned month long holidays in which the sea kayaks could take us to the most isolated wilderness places, he explained about combining resources, he expressed how working less was the way to go.
He even suggested I gave up my full time job!
What????
He had conversations with me about what would be possible when I gave up my job; I could only come up with all the negative things that could happen. 
I said he was crazy and that we would end up living on the streets.
His response was that I was talking fearfully and not used to living life to the full and looking for creative solutions.

It is disturbing to observe that in the early days of our relationship my conversations had the power to undermine even John’s feelings of well being. 
My worry and continuous questioning of his suggestion that I stop work, wore him out. 
After a frustrating day at work, I would come home to find John in the best of moods. 
He had a good day but not for long. 
Within the hour, like clockwork, my same old complaints about work would bring down his mood big time.
John had little or no defense, what else could he say? He had already told me to give up my job, so I could have good days too. 
Anything he would have said in his defense would have been shot down with a barrage of my old beliefs about the virtue of working hard, earning lots of money and how lazy people never would get anywhere.

It is quite obvious that our relationship would have collapsed if I’d have let my conversations prevail. 
My savior was that I started to shut up and began to listen to the difference between John’s conversations and mine. 
His were definitely more fun to listen to than my own. 
His life was definitely more joyful and exciting than mine. 
He had done amazing things while I was not up to much.  
I had a big mouth, he had big projects.

It was not until I interrupted my conversations of impossibilities that I gained access to what else was possible.

The proof is in the pudding how conversations support change. 
I came to New Zealand to live in nature 28 years ago. It took me till last year and lots of conversations about possibilities with John to have that finally happen. 
Need I say more??????

Now that I have my own conversations of possibilities, I experience how my old contexts of friends and family stop me and how they make me feel insecure and inarticulate. 
When I return to their contexts I hear my old conversations around fear, scarcity of money and impossibilities.
I only hear talk that is problem obsessed rather than solution focused and is all around the importance of working hard but not smart. 
I notice the effect they have on me.

After seeing how life has changed through all my great daily conversations with John, it is still hard to believe how quickly and effectively those old conversations, my old context, can drag me back to my old fearful self.
In their presence I cannot articulate my new views of life and when they ask me how work is all I can do is mumble something vague and change the subject. 
I do not even want to talk to them intimately anymore as I know whatever I say will meet with their disapproval and will make me feel uncomfortable.

When you realize how powerful contexts and their conversations are, then you have a chance to become the change you want to see.