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In part two of “Working Well with Others”, I covered the main reason why teams do not function well—and that is the lack of clarity. If people are unclear of what they are supposed to accomplish, they can’t fully contribute to the team.

As a team player, you need to be absolutely clear about what is expected of you. If for any reason you are not sure, ask until you have no doubt. Then get busy, do exactly what is expected of you, and do it well.

Remember, in all your interactions with your team, your role is to be supportive and helpful. Your role is not to challenge, criticize, or argue, but to look for solutions and for opportunities to help other people make their maximum contribution as well. When you sit in on a team meeting, you are “onstage.” Everyone is watching you. The best team players offer suggestions on how things can be done better. The best team members are always offering to help other people after the meetings to get on top of some aspect of their work. This focus on collaboration and cooperation is seen by everybody and marks you as a person to be both liked and respected.

Many men and women have kicked their careers into the stratosphere by taking on a small responsibility and doing such a good job with it that they came to the attention of important people both inside and outside their organizations.

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BP doesn’t check water levels of vehicles on their forecourt, no matter how desperate the need of their customers (even the elderly) because the ‘rules and regulations’ don’t allow it… this blind adherence to bureaucracy landed BP on national television news, in national newspapers, on national radio.

It has not gone down well with the public, despite BP’s position that the ‘safety of their staff’ comes first (obviously they don’t believe their staff have the ability to act with common sense in assessing the situation).

Rules there may be, but if you want to receive goodwill (like positive word of mouth), you have to exercise goodwill. That means going the extra mile.

Sometimes we may not even get a thanks for ‘going that extra mile’. The customer may not give it a second thought. Our act of ‘bravery’, ‘goodwill’ or ‘initiative’ may go forever unappreciated… to all outward appearances.

But, and it’s a big BUT, I don’t believe any act of giving ever goes ‘unappreciated’. The customer will return (because you’ve not given them any reason not to); and each act of giving will build up your own character and habits and it will shape the kind of person you become.

So the more giving we become, the more it will come back to us. “Do unto others…”

My point? Your goodwill and your acts of giving may have limited effect on the recipient, but that doesn’t matter because each act is first and foremost an investment in yourself.

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Last week I talked on Peggy Nolan’s The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about martyrdom. I have included the link as all her and co-host Erin’s radio shows are available for downloads so you can still listen to them. That is a great win as they cover heaps of issues every woman struggles with.

What hit home afterwards was that we have become so isolated, so alone in our quest for a way out of our misery. It is sad to see how little support we are getting. We all seem to be yearning for guidance and wisdom from other women we love and trust to make sense of the things in life that do not seem to be right. Like never being acknowledged, not knowing where to put our love as it often gets thrown back into our faces or misused and last but not least we do not even know how to take care of ourselves.

Has it ever been different?  Were there times when we had access to wise women who could help us out?

And that got me dreaming.

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Of course, sometimes we jump to incorrect conclusions, which in itself can scupper any value the referral would have had.

But mostly, if it is a weak referral, my bet is that it doesn’t leave you with many ‘warm and fuzzies’ towards the person who gave you that so-called referral, does it?

Giving ‘flimsy’ referrals does not activate the power of ‘Givers Gain’.

If you want to activate the power of ‘Givers Gain’, you must make sure the referral has value.

A member of my BNI, Richard Wheatley of Think Red, is a branding specialist who has given me three good quality referrals recently.

Guess how ‘obligated’ I’ve begun to fell about returning the favour?

So much so that when I was talking to a prospect recently – one who seemed to have his branding all together – I put myself out there and asked him who did his branding.

He said: “Nobody, do you know somebody good?”

Richard has had an appointment already and I hope it pans out, but I’m not going to stop trying to find him more referrals…

Quality begets quality. If you want good quality referrals, you’ve got to give and keep on giving in order to receive.

That I believe is the best way to create a networking mindset within your referral network.

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Membership is by invitation only – and yours will arrive tomorrow – so please keep an eye out for it.

In the meantime, we’d like to share with you more about what BNI Online is, its value to you and how you can get started.

What is BNI Online?

BNI Online is an online community, similar to Facebook, but it’s our own place on the net.

BNI Online is a place to share information, start discussions, ask questions and connect with other BNI people.

You also have your own profile page to include your business details, to upload photos and videos, start a blog and create events.

What’s in it for you?

BNI Online offers you a central place to connect with other BNI members from around the country, who have the same ‘givers gain’ philosophy as you do.

This means, for example, if have a burning question, or need advice, you can ask fellow members, the BNI support team, or your regional director, in a supportive, like-minded environment.

There are lots of other valuable benefits in belonging to BNI Online, so let’s get started.

How do I get started?

Your email invitation will arrive tomorrow. If it doesn’t arrive, check your spam folders, and then let us know if you still haven’t received it.

Click on the link in the invitation and follow the login instructions to join the BNI Online community.

Once you’re logged in, fill in your profile information (on the ‘My Page’ tab)

You may also want to read the ‘getting started guide’ (on the About tab).

That’s it, you’re good to go. Feel free to explore the community – and join in where you like.

We look forward to connecting with you in the BNI Online community – you will be in good company.  Two of the first members are Dr Ivan Misner (Chairman of BNI) and Norm Dominquez (CEO).

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A friend of mine Nicky and her partner Matthew have come up with a intriguing concept – they spent 6 months with Baristas and Cafe owners and based upon their recommendations, published Auckland’s coolest cafe book.

I am not sure what it says about me – but three of the cafe’s I use on a regular basis are included in the top list of coffee shops – Piha Cafe, The Packing Shed and The Hardware Cafe

Needless to say it is a great read and comes highly recommended.  If you would like to pick up a copy for yourself you will find it at Dymocks, Timeout, Unity bookshops and online at Timeout and Fishpond.

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This is what WomenLikeMe has to say on integrity:

We live in society that is mostly out-of-integrity most of the time. We say things to please other people and we choose to deny to face the wholesome ‘what is so’. 
We let things drift rather than complete them. We read everywhere things that our heart knows cannot be ‘the truth’ and rather than listening to what our own heart has to say, we believe them.
Integrity in this context refers to being whole and complete, like an aeroplane is to be whole and complete to fly safely and effectively. When a plane is not whole and complete you will know about. The same is the case with us and our lives. Not being in-integrity has consequences and causes break downs.

You can read more what your heart knows is useful on WomenLikeMe on Being in Integrity.

It all started when my daughter announced she wanted to have dinner with my family in Holland when she was on holiday in Europe.

That meant organizing that from this side of the world in New Zealand, while fitting it into her tight traveling schedule and dealing with a complicated family situation.

Of course I offered to help her.

My ex and his family has chosen not to communicate with me after our divorce.

As my daughter would stay with my ex’s mother, coordinating dates would be difficult.

His family would have plans too but how could I know which dates would clash when we are not freely communicating?

However those things would have not been so bad if my daughter would have played her part with integrity.

When I asked her to give me a date to play with and start the process, I could not get one.

After several weeks of emailing and phoning her all I had was the usual myriad of excuses I always get when I want her to do something.

Too busy at work, no chance to talk to boyfriend about plans yet, having a headache and on and on it went.

Hmmm. In those weeks I felt my blood temperature rising, as well as the old feelings of frustration with non cooperative family members. And was it not she who requested this dinner?

There were also other people involved who needed to know.

I could have been tempted to ring my sister and complain about my own daughter and gossip about the ex’s family traits she inherited, but I did not succumb to that temptation.

I just kept asking and stating that if that she wanted a dinner organized I needed a date.

When her excuses ran out she started to play helpless by telling me it all was so difficult.

Was it?

One of my suggestions to sort it was to pick a date,  ring grandmother, tell her the day she would have dinner with my family and that would be that.

But oh no she could not ring, it was so hard to talk over the phone to her grandmother with all the language differences and all I got was again an air of helplessness.

“Fine”, I said; “let me ring her”.

Oh no, that was not possible either as that would upset her father AND the family and would set the whole gossip machine in motion.

Fine  . . . but actually NOT fine, this was no longer fun and I was not making any progress either.

I was now in real trouble of getting hot under the collar, especially when I got accused of hassling her.

Hmmm, however I chose to ignore that accusation and I did my best NOT to blame her for making all this so difficult and making me feel check-mated.

I asked her once more if she actually still wanted the dinner and when she answered ‘yes’, I continued my efforts to make it happen.

I did succeed in staying calm and collected and not giving up.

In the end I did get a date and the dinner eventually took place in a very cold and snowy Holland.

After a lot of practice I can now accept that family, in this case my daughter and most people very seldom act in-integrity. I recognize out-of-integrity behavior for what it is and therefore it no longer effects me much.

I no longer get dragged into being out-of-integrity myself, I am no longer tempted to blame, make excuses or gossip myself or give up if it is important to me.

When I so choose, I can keep going to make things happen in my family regardless of their carrying on and . . . I can do that with integrity, I can do that with a calmness and clarity that delights me.

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