I am constantly amazed at the lack of integrity that exists in the world – often amongst those very people who claim that integrity and ‘givers gain’ is the basis of their business. At times I find myself being swept along by a situation because of my reluctance to face the consequences of ’standing in my truth’. That being the case – I was intrigued to hear what my good friend Wilma has to say about integrity in her latest blog:
This is what WomenLikeMe has to say on integrity:
We live in society that is mostly out-of-integrity most of the time. We say things to please other people and we choose to deny to face the wholesome ‘what is so’.
We let things drift rather than complete them. We read everywhere things that our heart knows cannot be ‘the truth’ and rather than listening to what our own heart has to say, we believe them.
Integrity in this context refers to being whole and complete, like an aeroplane is to be whole and complete to fly safely and effectively. When a plane is not whole and complete you will know about. The same is the case with us and our lives. Not being in-integrity has consequences and causes break downs.
You can read more what your heart knows is useful on WomenLikeMe on Being in Integrity.
Dealing with out-of-integrity behavior is draining us and is giving us grief big time. It is no wonder that we tear our hair out when we want to have things happen, especially with our own family and I can show you why.
I am using my own daughter because it is a beautiful example of how an endless stream of excuses, blame and gossip gave me a hard time to make things happen.
It all started when my daughter announced she wanted to have dinner with my family in Holland when she was on holiday in Europe.
That meant organizing that from this side of the world in New Zealand, while fitting it into her tight traveling schedule and dealing with a complicated family situation.
Of course I offered to help her.
My ex and his family has chosen not to communicate with me after our divorce.
As my daughter would stay with my ex’s mother, coordinating dates would be difficult.
His family would have plans too but how could I know which dates would clash when we are not freely communicating?
However those things would have not been so bad if my daughter would have played her part with integrity.
When I asked her to give me a date to play with and start the process, I could not get one.
After several weeks of emailing and phoning her all I had was the usual myriad of excuses I always get when I want her to do something.
Too busy at work, no chance to talk to boyfriend about plans yet, having a headache and on and on it went.
Hmmm. In those weeks I felt my blood temperature rising, as well as the old feelings of frustration with non cooperative family members. And was it not she who requested this dinner?
There were also other people involved who needed to know.
I could have been tempted to ring my sister and complain about my own daughter and gossip about the ex’s family traits she inherited, but I did not succumb to that temptation.
I just kept asking and stating that if that she wanted a dinner organized I needed a date.
When her excuses ran out she started to play helpless by telling me it all was so difficult.
Was it?
One of my suggestions to sort it was to pick a date, ring grandmother, tell her the day she would have dinner with my family and that would be that.
But oh no she could not ring, it was so hard to talk over the phone to her grandmother with all the language differences and all I got was again an air of helplessness.
“Fine”, I said; “let me ring her”.
Oh no, that was not possible either as that would upset her father AND the family and would set the whole gossip machine in motion.
Fine . . . but actually NOT fine, this was no longer fun and I was not making any progress either.
I was now in real trouble of getting hot under the collar, especially when I got accused of hassling her.
Hmmm, however I chose to ignore that accusation and I did my best NOT to blame her for making all this so difficult and making me feel check-mated.
I asked her once more if she actually still wanted the dinner and when she answered ‘yes’, I continued my efforts to make it happen.
I did succeed in staying calm and collected and not giving up.
In the end I did get a date and the dinner eventually took place in a very cold and snowy Holland.
After a lot of practice I can now accept that family, in this case my daughter and most people very seldom act in-integrity. I recognize out-of-integrity behavior for what it is and therefore it no longer effects me much.
I no longer get dragged into being out-of-integrity myself, I am no longer tempted to blame, make excuses or gossip myself or give up if it is important to me.
When I so choose, I can keep going to make things happen in my family regardless of their carrying on and . . . I can do that with integrity, I can do that with a calmness and clarity that delights me.
We live in society that is mostly out-of-integrity most of the time. We say things to please other people and we choose to deny to face the wholesome ‘what is so’.
We let things drift rather than complete them. We read everywhere things that our heart knows cannot be ‘the truth’ and rather than listening to what our own heart has to say, we believe them.
Integrity in this context refers to being whole and complete, like an aeroplane is to be whole and complete to fly safely and effectively. When a plane is not whole and complete you will know about. The same is the case with us and our lives. Not being in-integrity has consequences and causes break downs.
You can read more what your heart knows is useful on WomenLikeMe on Being in Integrity.
It all started when my daughter announced she wanted to have dinner with my family in Holland when she was on holiday in Europe.
That meant organizing that from this side of the world in New Zealand, while fitting it into her tight traveling schedule and dealing with a complicated family situation.
Of course I offered to help her.
My ex and his family has chosen not to communicate with me after our divorce.
As my daughter would stay with my ex’s mother, coordinating dates would be difficult.
His family would have plans too but how could I know which dates would clash when we are not freely communicating?
However those things would have not been so bad if my daughter would have played her part with integrity.
When I asked her to give me a date to play with and start the process, I could not get one.
After several weeks of emailing and phoning her all I had was the usual myriad of excuses I always get when I want her to do something.
Too busy at work, no chance to talk to boyfriend about plans yet, having a headache and on and on it went.
Hmmm. In those weeks I felt my blood temperature rising, as well as the old feelings of frustration with non cooperative family members. And was it not she who requested this dinner?
There were also other people involved who needed to know.
I could have been tempted to ring my sister and complain about my own daughter and gossip about the ex’s family traits she inherited, but I did not succumb to that temptation.
I just kept asking and stating that if that she wanted a dinner organized I needed a date.
When her excuses ran out she started to play helpless by telling me it all was so difficult.
Was it?
One of my suggestions to sort it was to pick a date, ring grandmother, tell her the day she would have dinner with my family and that would be that.
But oh no she could not ring, it was so hard to talk over the phone to her grandmother with all the language differences and all I got was again an air of helplessness.
“Fine”, I said; “let me ring her”.
Oh no, that was not possible either as that would upset her father AND the family and would set the whole gossip machine in motion.
Fine . . . but actually NOT fine, this was no longer fun and I was not making any progress either.
I was now in real trouble of getting hot under the collar, especially when I got accused of hassling her.
Hmmm, however I chose to ignore that accusation and I did my best NOT to blame her for making all this so difficult and making me feel check-mated.
I asked her once more if she actually still wanted the dinner and when she answered ‘yes’, I continued my efforts to make it happen.
I did succeed in staying calm and collected and not giving up.
In the end I did get a date and the dinner eventually took place in a very cold and snowy Holland.
After a lot of practice I can now accept that family, in this case my daughter and most people very seldom act in-integrity. I recognize out-of-integrity behavior for what it is and therefore it no longer effects me much.
I no longer get dragged into being out-of-integrity myself, I am no longer tempted to blame, make excuses or gossip myself or give up if it is important to me.
When I so choose, I can keep going to make things happen in my family regardless of their carrying on and . . . I can do that with integrity, I can do that with a calmness and clarity that delights me.
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